the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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