Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
you're hired as official boob wrangler
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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