party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
