I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I am mentally ready for anal.
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