I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
