so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
