If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
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