Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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