Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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