i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
