Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
