you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
