they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
