I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Randomize
