I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize