Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
