I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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