if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i wish my penis had a tongue
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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