I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
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I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
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I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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