How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
