Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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