Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
