rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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