you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
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Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
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I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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