:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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