woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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