Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
