well I can't set my house on fire every night
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
