the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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