he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
