You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
