im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
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