why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
