Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
so let's talk penis.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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