Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
