Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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