There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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