i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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