Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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