Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
