and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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