I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
two words...techno handjob
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
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