I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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