new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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