the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Can you bring me the toilet please
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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