i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
