I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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