My sheets look like a crime scene.
she woke up with a sticky ear
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Randomize
