I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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