"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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