sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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