'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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