My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
