Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
