Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
