I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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