I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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