He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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