The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
