Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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