so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
